The One and Only Real Italian Sauce

I am adamant about this one recipe. This is the only way to make it – no substitutions – I don’t care who you see on the Food Network or what Italian cookbook you have, this is the true path to authentic sauce:

3 small cans tomato paste – I like Contadina
1 large can of tomato puree – Progresso is best
1-2 cans tomato sauce – any brand
2 -3 small cloves of garlic
Olive oil
Water
Salt, pepper, fennel seed, oregano, sugar
At least 2 glasses of red wine – cab, merlot, shiraz

Start with a medium size wine glass of red wine. Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, or the soundtrack from The Big Night will get you in the mood. You should also be in your pajamas since sauce is best when made on Sunday morning and simmers on the stove until noon or you get back from church (which ever comes first). To begin, take a sip of wine. Then.....

In a large pot, pour about a tablespoon or more olive oil until it covers the bottom of the pan. Turn the burner on low and let it heat slowly. While the oil is heating, slice 2-3 cloves of garlic lengthwise, paper thin – for a visual, watch the part in Goodfellas when Paul Sorvino is making sauce for the gang in their prison cell. He used a razor blade; a sharp paring knife will do. Throw sliced garlic into hot oil, shake the pan around to lightly brown garlic and release flavor. Take another sip or two of wine.

Shut off heat. Open all cans. First, scrape the tomato paste into the pan and stir around. Next, add the puree and mix with paste. Fill all the paste and puree cans with warm water and scrap the sides to remove any remaining paste and puree (Italians never waste food). Put pot back on burner on low heat. Add all the cans of water while stirring with a wooden spoon (it's gotta be wooden). Fill all the cans again and stir into the sauce. Add the 2 cans of sauce. Fill each with warm water and add to the sauce. Turn heat to medium and continue stirring until there are no lumps remaining from the paste. Sauce consistency should be runny at this point. Sauce will thicken as the water evaporates. Rest spoon on the edge of the pot – do not leave spoon in the pot. Yell at someone – “What’s amatter wif you?” Shake the wooden spoon at any children that are in the immediate area. If they give you lip or tell you they can't find something, threaten to hit them over the head with it (of course, you'd never really do that)...

Seasoning: this is tricky because it is not measured, but practiced. Start with the salt – sprinkle salt over the top of the sauce – do not stir until all the seasonings have been added. Turn up the music, sing along, take another sip of wine or pour another half a glass. Next, add black pepper, cayenne (a dash or two), a little sprinkling of oregano – don’t go crazy with the oregano or you will ruin the sauce, a little fennel seed, a tinsy bit of dried basil, and two heaping spoonfuls of sugar. Now stir, sip, stir. Turn up the music. Be sure that your spoon is scraping the bottom of the pot to prevent sticking and burning the sauce. Bring to a rolling boil – stay close by sipping your wine with one hand and wiping spills on the stove top with another. Taste. It will probably taste tinny on the first taste – don’t worry, have another sip of wine. Turn down heat to simmer and stir every now and then. Do not cover with a lid.

You may now go take a shower and get dressed. Put someone in charge of stirring the sauce. Someone responsible. Threaten them by shaking the wooden spoon at them as you give them the instructions to watch the sauce and stir every so often. Remind them at least twice not to leave the spoon in the pot; rest in on the edge. Give them the evil eye as you leave the kitchen with wine glass in hand. When you return to the kitchen, put on an apron – sauce stains. Stir and taste. Moan with pleasure.

To correct flavors: sauce should be on the sour side with a slightly sweet taste and just a hint of the cayenne heat. If sauce is too sour or salty, add more sugar, if too sweet, more pepper and salt – if it doesn’t have any taste but tomato, start over with seasoning step but have another sip of wine before beginning. Sauce should be thickening and forming a ring around the side. Scrap the sides. If the sauce is not thickening, you added too much water; add another can of paste and have another glass of wine. Empty the can of paste into a large measuring cup or bowl and add 1/3-1/2 warm water. Blend paste in bowl before adding to sauce. Blame someone else because the sauce isn’t turning out right. Give the spoon a few shakes at them. Blaming God and/or the deceased is ok too--simply tilt your head back and shake the spoon towards the ceiling. If someone is getting in your way or on your nerves, hold the fingers of your right hand up to your mouth lengthwise and bite down gently on the index finger – roll your eyes upward as you do this. I don’t know the exact meaning of this gesture but everyone should take this as a serious warning that the cook is not happy and should intuit that the best place to be is not in the kitchen with you.

Now you are ready to make meatballs, tofu balls, eggplant parmesan, or any other main course you are serving with the sauce.